suicidal tendencies in abusive situations

I have a friend who had self destructive tendencies for years and I thought it might be of interest to know how she was cured of this desire. Her main problem was completely devoting herself to someone else so profoundly that she placed their needs above her own. When that person or spouse cheated on her or was cruel to her, her entire world was shattered and she felt it was the end of the world, so she tried to harm herself. She had two spouses which treated her horribly and she was so emotionally hurt by them that she tried to harm herself. Fortunately, she was not successful… but she came close a couple times.

The most horrible part was how her spouses treated her when she was in the hospital. They wouldn’t even come to see her. The first spouse tried to clean out the house while she was in the hospital. She even had to have someone else bring her clothes to wear and give her a ride home from the hospital because her spouse would not. It was his attitude and cruelty and constantly putting her down and trying to destroy her self esteem & confidence which had driven her to such self destructive actions in the first place. She cared too much about the cruel things her spouse said to her. The additional problem is that friends and family begin to turn against someone who repeatedly tries to harm themselves. Friends and family cut themselves off and don’t want to be involved… which makes the situation worse when this person needs  their compassion or help. Tough love does not work for someone who feels self destructive as it does for an alcoholic or substance abuser. Turning away from someone self destructive could result in their death. They need compassion but they also need to learn why they feel like this and how to stop it and how not to use it to get attention. However, these episodes should always be taken seriously because if you treat it as trivial, they could very likely show you how serious they are and it will be too late. If you don’t want to help, then find one of their friends or other family member or a help line who will help them. It is a desperate cry for help and requires understanding what has made them feel this way.

There are some men who will get into a relationship with someone who has money or property just to get even for their first spouse taking away everything they had in a divorce. So they think it is ok to do the same to some other unsuspecting woman out of spite to get even with all women. Hence the brutality. These men are carrying a dangerously vengeful hatred of women seeking payback for the divorce. Judge’s should consider the type of monsters which are created by stripping down someone of all their monies, properties & possessions. It leaves them with rage, motive, vendetta & nothing else to lose. They often go after the first  female they see with properties & money. In my friend’s situation, the property was hers. She earned and paid for all of it herself. It was not the spoils of a divorce.

Her second spouse cleaned out her bank accounts while she was in the hospital. All the money was hers. He never worked a day in his life. Part of the money was from her new employer to help them move to her new job location. She supported her spouse, a former high school sweetheart who had looked her up 20 years later. One day, he decided he wanted the moving money so he took off with half the money without any warning. She came home from work, found him gone and a horrible note he left her. She then hit bottom in a moment of grief and tried to harm herself. While she was in the hospital for 3 days, he stole the other half of her money. She had no idea he had stolen any money until all her checks started bouncing. So you can see how much he cared about his wife. He was also hiding a drug habit she knew nothing about. She was quite naïve. I had tried to get her to run a background check on him but she was too trusting. There is a lot more to the story as to how she was driven to such a low point, but not necessary for how she improved.

While she was in the hospital for 3 days, a psychometrist at the hospital had asked her to describe what her reasons were for trying to harm herself. She told him she wanted her spouse and others who had mistreated her to feel as bad as she did & to regret how they had mistreat her. She basically wanted him to feel bad and regret what he had done and to stop her own pain he had caused. But she was too trusting to understand that some people have no conscience about hurting someone or that they were pretending to have feelings to lure her into marriage and were then abusing her to the point of suicide to get their hands on her money and property. Especially hard for her to believe about a former high school boyfriend she truly cared for.

Then the psychometrist asked her if it worked. Did her spouse feel bad when she ended up in the hospital? She thought about it for a moment and said, “No.” She told me it was like a light switch had suddenly been turned on and she could see clearly for the very first time. She had tried to harm herself because she wanted her spouses, friends and family who had been cruel to feel bad for the way they had mistreated her. Instead of feeling bad for her near death, her spouses had taken the opportunity to rob her blind. They were actually glad she was out of the way. She had given them just what they wanted. It was only the fact that she survived which stopped them from taking everything she owned. She decided that she was never going to give anyone that pleasure again.

Since that day, she says she has never had the desire to harm herself again.

This completely changed her way of thinking. This was 20 years ago and she has never had the desire to harm herself again. She is a completely different person. She used to have a low self esteem. Was always apologizing and feeling like she was being scrutinized by others. She previously had a submissive apologetic mannerism & uncertainty which invited abusers to mistreat & bully her. 

After that moment of understanding, she became confident, sure of herself and a sense of pride which changed the way people treated her. She also stopped getting married and lives alone quite happily where no one is abusive to her. She cut off contact with anyone who was cruel to her… including family members. Just because someone is a relative, does not give them the right to mistreat someone.  She felt no one had the right to be cruel or abusive to her and was no longer going to waste her life on anyone who treated her with disrespect. She has become very strong and independent.  The difference is astounding. You would not know it was the same person. Just that one sentence the psychometrist asked about whether anyone had felt bad about her attempts, made all the difference. She became a new person overnight.

She keeps the TV on for company and she works on various hobbies and projects to keep her busy. She also has pets to keep her company. She is very peaceful now. Before, she used to allow others to be abusive and cruel and destroy her self esteem. But now, when someone treats her like that, she recognizes them for the cruel abusers they truly are and she immediately cuts them out of her life and has no more contact with them. It has made her a strong, happy person who enjoys life. She is determined that nothing or no one will ever again drive her to the point of self destruction. She says she no longer has any such desires and has not had any such thoughts for 20 years.

She finally realized that someone who truly loves you would not try to hurt you. Someone who loves you would try to do things to make you happy and care about your needs. Not just their own. So if someone treats you badly, they are not worth wasting your breath on. That type of person wants to see harm come to you and will continue to try to drive you to the point of self destruction to get you out of their way. Never give anyone that type of satisfaction or power over you. Get away from that person as fast as possible. They are not worth your life. Surviving is the way to get back at someone trying to harm you. They don’t want to see you well and happy. That is the best thing you can do for yourself. Bullies want to see you weak and cowering. The more a victim cowers, the meaner and more vicious a bully, abuser or tormenter will become.  They don’t have a conscience or remorse.

She said it was when the psychometrist had asked her if anyone had felt badly after she had tried to harm herself that she suddenly realized she was doing exactly what her abusive spouse wanted. To get rid of her so her spouse could steal her money and property and even gain life insurance if the policy was at least a couple years old. Her abusive spouses would have gained everything by using cruelty to drive her to self destruction. Her properties were quite valuable because she had a high paying career. Then she was carrying a huge life insurance policy through her employer which was worth millions. We told her she was making a target out of herself. After the last ordeal where her spouse stole the money, she got rid of the huge life insurance account which was worth $6 million. Her second spouse, whom learned about her problems with the first spouse, actually tried to heckle her into killing herself because he knew what had occurred with her first spouse and thought it would work for him as well. It very nearly did. Her 2 spouses thought they could torment her into harming herself so they would gain ownership of her properties.

Once she understood their true reasons for abusing her and deliberately trying to get her to harm herself, she said, “Never again!” and she never did. She also never carried an insurance policy like that again. She has never allowed anyone to destroy her self esteem again for 20 years… and she asked me to include her story on my webpage in case it might help someone else.

Having a background of trying to commit suicide also makes you a perfect target for a spouse to get rid of you so they can steal your money and property and claim it was a suicide by either driving the spouse to harming themselves or making it look like a suicide. Be very careful of what a cruel spouses intentions may be. Also be careful what personal info you reveal to a spouse. Never give them info they can use to harm you. Very few police investigators will take a serious look at a deceased spouse if you have a history of harming yourself. The prosecution would have a tough time convincing a jury. Plus, your own family would testify to your history. A good reason to be very careful who you trust. I did know one lady whom this happened to just a few years ago. Despite the fact that she had a new boyfriend of very low character and a lot of her jewelry and valuables were gone from the house and the method was not something she would have chosen;  the police refused to investigate because of her prior history.

Staying alive and staying away from creeps like that is the best thing you can do. Never let anyone torment you into harming yourself. Do not give them the satisfaction.

If you still feel like harming yourself, please contact someone who might be able to help you. Give yourself a couple weeks to think it over. There may be other alternatives you have not considered. Perhaps a fresh start in a new location would help you get away from your troubles. If you have children, you certainly don’t want to leave that bad memory for them or people you care about.

Lack of sleep and lack of proper foods can throw off your chemical balance and cause extreme depression as can substance abuse. It can affect your judgment, making things seem worse than they are.  Things always look better after a couple days of sleep and proper foods. Never do anything drastic when you are upset. You don’t have anything to lose by waiting a few days to think things over after you have gotten some sleep and food. Talk to someone else who cares or someone completely new or  hotlines to help you if you don’t have anyone else to talk with. They wouldn’t be volunteering unless they care about people. Perhaps a church or a social group?  Sometimes just talking can help you find better options. Please don’t make any rash decisions while you are upset.

Think about what my friend said. Never let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. Anyone who abuses you or says unkind things does not truly care for you, so they are not worthy of you. Don’t place your self worth and welfare in the hands of someone who is cruel and abusive. Don’t give them what they want. Nothing will bother the abuser more than seeing you happy, smiling and self confident.  Staying alive and being happy is the best way to get back at an abuser who tries to hurt you.

If you have a situation similar to my friends who had abusive spouses driving them to suicidal thoughts… never let anyone break down your self esteem or drive you to self destruction. Find someone to talk to or someone to help you. There is a lot of qualified help available if you need it. Never do something destructive while you are upset. Being upset alters your brain chemicals and can obscure your ability to make sensible decisions. Go somewhere safe & secure. Get some sleep and some food and wait a week or two to rethink your options. Call someone to talk with or seek qualified services or perhaps medical care which may have medicines to help. Or perhaps you are already taking medicines which are causing false depressions.

Never do permanent harm to yourself. Seek out help from friends, family, help lines or medical professionals. They will likely have alternative ideas or ways to help your situation which you may not have considered. Never give some cruel person the benefit of getting you out of their way. They won’t feel bad. They will take everything they can get their hands on.

Your happiness, survival and self confidence will be the last thing a cruel abuser wants to see. Get away from someone like that and start fresh, but do so safely. You can lead a happy life without being mistreated or abused.

I hope that some of this info may help someone else.